Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and criminal, has recalled the harrowing moment when several EU delegates pointed a gun to his head to make him sign the Northern Ireland Protocol.
“It was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying,” explained a visibly upset Mr Johnson.
“We were in the usual meeting room we used for discussions and I’d got in one morning, actually quite excited because I had worked hard overnight and had developed a solution to the Northern Island issue that would definitely please everyone.”
However, it soon became clear that the EU had very different plans.
“The scheduled start of the meeting came and went, and I was just sat in this room alone. I began to get nervous when I realised the doors had been locked.”
Mr Johnson waited, trapped for three hours.
“It was around lunchtime when, all of a sudden, the doors burst open and three EU delegates rushed in wearing balaclavas. They grabbed my arms and held me in my chair while one of them pressed a gun to my temple.”
After a moment, the EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier appeared.
“He said, I remember it very clearly, he said ‘Mr Johnson, I assure you that either your signature will be on that Northern Ireland Protocol, or your brains will. I don’t care how much the Irish people suffer, you will sign it’ – Terrifying.
“Naturally, I would happily sacrifice my life if it meant no border in the Irish sea, but I also realised that if I didn’t sign this protocol, then it would only lead to my replacement being placed in the same position. And, of course, if I were alive then I could lead the fightback against the protocol in the future. Which is exactly what I’m doing now.”
Mr Johnson then went on to recall how he led England to the semi-finals of the World Cup, single-handedly used the Force to destroy the Death Star and once wrestled a bear.