Thursday 12 May 2022 by Arabin Patson

The Tory Cookbook 2nd Edition: 5 meals you could make for 30p if only you poor people weren’t so stupid


Boris Tory Cookbook volume 2

Following Lee Anderson MP’s helpful suggestion that you dimwitted oiks could stop being poor simply by taking a cooking class, NewsThump is proud to release the second volume of CCHQ’s budget meal recipes.

Below are the top recipes as provided by some of the sharpest minds in the Tory party.

Lee’s Light Lunch:

Pop into the market and get a bag of spuds and a gallon of lard. That’s less than 30p or at least it was when me mam last sent to the shops in 1979. Throw it all in a pan and cook it for an hour. It’s what I eat everyday and I’m fit as a fiddle except for those lancing pains in my chest during my weekly hour-long poo.

Lord Frost’s Fettucine:

Bring 2 litres of water to a rolling boil, add 4 grams salt and drop in dried (not fresh) pasta, cook for exactly 6 minutes and drain. Next, explain that you intended to make rice and it’s not your fault someone interpreted the word ‘pasta’ to literally mean pasta. 

Raab’s Radish Ragout:

Sorry, just got your message. I was out of the office doing some hard work in a pool. I’d love to help but my kitchen is closed at the moment. 

Gove’s Goulash:

Take 4 onions and chop them finely, alreet pet. Ha ha. I do a hilarious Irish accent too. By the way I got this great idea for a musical comedy that would be a silent film but with robots and set in the Holocaust and I’ve written the whole script in my head and I don’t know where these ideas come from and want to bet I can do 50 pushups in under a minute… WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME???? 

Eustice’s Gargantuan Feast:

Buy value brand pasta. You’re welcome!

You can read the first volume of the cookbook HERE.

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