Thursday 12 May 2022 by Chris Ballard

Only things being levelled up by the Tories are the food banks


Mochael Gove levelling up

The Government’s levelling up agenda consists entirely of creating bigger and more numerous food banks.

New data reveals that ‘Levelling Up’ – a cornerstone of the 2019 Conservative manifesto – applies only to food banks.

“My department is working tirelessly to ensure that Britain has the best food banks in the world,” said Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Michael Gove in a slightly off Geordie accent.

“I will not sleep until every state-school educated citizen gets the top-quality food bank they deserve.

“Metaphorically, obviously – I’ll actually fall asleep pretty quickly once the coke wears off…”

Tory councillor Simon Williams has been enjoying the results of all this levelling up.

“One of the joys of my job is being able to open brand new food banks,” he said.

“Just this morning I was star of the show at a ceremony in Dartford, opening a state of the art food bank facility.

“I swung a bottle of ketchup at the wall, which smashed in a most satisfying manner.

“‘I declare this food bank open!’ I shouted, as the hordes of poor people waiting to come inside admired my importance.

“Serendipitously, the first beggar through the door wanted some ‘tomato sauce’. I pointed at the remains of the ceremonial bottle and jovially told them to fill their boots.

“I was filled with an almost overwhelming sense of pride as I watched them scrabble around on all fours, licking the floor and trying not to cut their mouth too badly on the shards of glass.

“This is exactly why I became a Tory.”

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