Michael Gove has this morning fired his housekeeper after she accidentally left out the coke bowl instead of the sugar bowl this morning, ensuring he went on national television off his tits with a stomach full of gak.
Gove, who is known amongst parliamentary insiders to enjoy a little toot from time to time, generally tries to avoid partaking in the mornings, and especially before appearing in public, so was dismayed to find himself talking to reporters about the cost of living crisis while coked up to the eyeballs.
“It’s bloody embarrassing,” he told members of his team.
“I had so much blow on my cornflakes that I ended up doing an impression of Harry Enfield’s scouser – can you imagine? I mean, it was a good impression, because I can do impressions – did you know that about me? Yeah, I’m great. You should hear my others… what? Not right now? Okay, maybe another time. We should go out, right? You and me and the rest of the team to throw some shapes, what you think?”
Half an hour later Gove returned to tell them, “It is frankly unforgivable that my housekeeper doesn’t know me well enough to ensure the sugar is kept well away from the snow.
“There’s nothing wrong with a little bump to help the day tick over, but not a couple of spoonfuls before going on breakfast television. If nothing else, it’s a bloody waste of good Charlie.
“She has been let go with immediate effect, and I’ve tasked her replacement with finding me a nightclub that’s open at 11:30 in the morning while I show her how I can do a handstand.”