The government defended its decision not to include any provisions for financial help for families struggling with spiralling inflation in the Queen’s Speech, by highlighting the need for custom made luxury cars to ship inanimate objects that matter so much more than you.
Michael Gove, a government minister and a good person to follow into a nightclub toilet cubicle, went on Sky News to explain how the government could think of ways to alleviate financial hardships for people but they didn’t really want to.
He told viewers, “Look, we know we’re not getting re-elected so we might as well be honest about the contempt we have for you.
“Why do you think we had Charles sit on a £900K golden chair to announce our plans to let you plebs rot in the gutter? We have other priorities for the public purse than the people who fill it. Sending Liz Truss to the Antipodes and fucking over British farming isn’t cheap, you know?
“And yes, the absurd spectacle of people in ermine cloaks and tights carrying giant golden sticks around to relay information we could have put in a Tweet is a costly affair. Not to mention we need a rainy day fund for brilliant ideas like buying a billionaire monarch a new super yacht.”
Mr Gove denied this Queen Speech was completely devoid of any substance.
He went on, “Untrue. We are criminalising dissent like no other government since Bloody Mary. Come the summer, you’ll get six months just for shouting ‘wanker’ at me in the street.”
“Now that’s progress!”