Furious Tories have launched a stinging attack on Keir Starmer, claiming that using decency and honour in modern politics is just flat-out cheating.
The accusations of cheating came in the wake of Starmer’s promise to resign if found guilty of breaching lockdown rules.
“Look, you can’t just bally well stand up and behave honourably,” said Sir Simon Battenberg Williams, 109-year-old Tory MP for the village of Fanny-on-the-Wold.
“That’s not on. It’s cheating. It’s Keir Starmer using his own honour and decency to specifically try and make Boris look bad for being dishonourable and improper.
“There should be a completely level playing field here. Boris is incapable of behaving with honour and decency, so if the Labour Party were any sort of good chaps at all, then they should repress whatever natural honour and decency they have and bring themselves down to the same level as Boris. Then it’s a fair fight. No cheating.”
Sir Simon went on to explain the potential damage that honour and decency could do if they became more prevalent in politics.
“You can’t just have decency and honour being used willy-nilly. That could lead to honesty and diligence, and before you know it modern politics would stop being a cesspit of grift and self-interest and be something noble and good.
“And that would mean the entire Tory party would have to find another job!”