Tuesday 10 May 2022 by Chris Ballard

Prince Charles handcuffs himself to throne after delivering Queen’s Speech


Prince Charles handcuffs himself to the throne

Prince Charles remains seated on the throne in the House of Lords, insisting ‘I’m the king now’. 

After seventy years as Queen, it’s not really surprising that Her Majesty can no longer be fucked.

It therefore fell to professional heir Prince Charles to read out a load of bollocks on behalf of the current Government. 

The trouble is, now that his buttocks are firmly ensconced on a throne, he’s refusing to budge.

“Piss off, it’s mine!” he shouted to Parliamentary officials when they told him the ceremony was over and that he should now leave, before handcuffing himself to the throne.

“I’m King now! I’m King of the fucking castle, d’you hear me? 

“Get your hands off me you dirty rascal or I’ll have you executed! I can, you know, ‘cos I’m the shitting King!

“Bow down! Bow down before me, you cunts!”

After an hour or so, a potted geranium was brought in to talk some sense into Charles. However, the Prince of Wales responded by urinating over the flower, obviously glad of the opportunity to relieve himself without having to get up.

When royal aides turned to the Queen for guidance, her response was impressively pragmatic.

“Do you know what?” said Her Majesty. “Let the twat stay there. 

“He made a stupid decision and now he can stew in his own shit with piss running down his legs.

“It’s actually a perfect metaphor for what this country has become.

“I’m just glad I’ll be dead soon.”

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