Monday 9 May 2022

Politician pledging to ‘do the honourable thing’ is a ‘dark day for democracy’, insists moron


Keir Starmer offers to resign

Sir Keir Starmer has confirmed he will resign as leader of the opposition if it is found he broke the law during lockdown, leaving dozens of right-wing contrarians to contort themselves into ever more awkward positions to ensure this looks like as ‘bad thing’.

After the Labour leader took the wind out of the sails of every right-wing attack over ‘beergate’ in one fell swoop, people who don’t like him have been quick to insist his pledge to do the right thing is an awful thing for democracy.

Boris Johnson supporter, Derek Williams, told us, “How can we live in a society where politicians not only face the consequences of their actions, but where they willingly accept them in advance of the decision?

“This is not how democracy functions. Democracy relies on our leaders deflecting and obfuscating when presented with uncomfortable truths about themselves. Openness and honesty can only lead to terrible outcomes, particularly for politicians who have done bad things – which if we’re honest, is quite a few of them.

“If I wanted honourable politicians who are willing to fall on their sword in the event of wrongdoing, I wouldn’t have voted for Boris and given him my everlasting unequivocal support, would I?”

Meanwhile, Conservative Central HQ has been eerily quiet as they try and find a way to insist Keir Starmer should stay in his job if found guilty, just hours after calling him a hypocrite for not promising to resign.

As a source from inside CCHQ told us, “Yes, we have been completely blind-sided by this.

“We extensively gamed this out, with dozens of potential scenarios, and genuinely thought we were holding a hand from which it was impossible to lose – but no one in this entire building proposed a single scenario that involved a politician doing the decent thing.

“To be honest, we should probably try hiring some strategists who aren’t irredeemable twats.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the mug HERE!

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