F*ck, says Boris

author avatar by 2 years ago

Boris Johnson was overheard screaming “F*ck!” after Keir Starmer told reporters he would step down as leader of the opposition if he is given a fixed penalty fine over lockdown breaches.

Just hours after Boris felt relief that the right-wing media attack-dogs had gone after Starmer over the beergate incident, the prime minister has once again been left looking like a hypocritical and immoral shyster to all casual observers.

“Yes, this isn’t great,” admitted one Downing Street source close to the prime minister.

“On the one hand, if he doesn’t get a fine then our attacks look entirely baseless and Starmer can once again safely adopt the more high ground over lockdown breaches.

“On the other hand, if he does get a fine, he resigns and makes Boris look like an irredeemable law-breaker, once again giving Labour the moral high-ground over lockdown breaches.

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“Obviously Boris isn’t going to follow suit, no amoral egotists would. But he’s going to need something new to distract people.

“What we really need is a line of attack that works if Keir Starmer doesn’t get a fine. Something like, ‘Starmer knows the police from his days as the head of public prosecutions, so the investigation is a fix’ – which no sane person will believe, obviously, but will definitely be enough for our supporters and most right-wing commentators who are willing to contort themselves into ever more painful positions into order to support Boris.

“So yeah, it’s time to go full on conspiracy I think.”

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