Sunday 8 May 2022

Fictional alien time travellers can’t be black, insist morons


New Doctor Who

Travelling through space and time in a police box requires white skin, according to several Internet morons today.

As Ncuti Gatwa was confirmed as the new Doctor, lots of angry idiots have spent way too long trying to find ways to say the Doctor shouldn’t be black, without saying the Doctor shouldn’t be black, because they believe having white skin plays an essential role in the universe in which he resides.

Fan of made up science fiction television stories, Simon Williams, told us,”Yes I am angry about Ncuti Gatwa being made the next Doctor.

“At first I said I was angry because he was too young, but then it was pointed about that Matt Smith and Peter Davison were both younger than Ncuti when they took on the role, then I said I was angry because he doesn’t have required ‘look’ to play a Timelord, but then people reminded me about his profession which is acting as someone he isn’t. Then I said we’ve already had a Scottish one with Peter Capaldi, but people just laughed at my exasperation.

“They’re all so desperate for me to come right out and say it, but I’m afraid I won’t be giving you the satisfaction. Instead I will be finding numerous other reasons why casting a black man is bad idea for Doctor Who.

“I’ve only just got over the fact that the Doctor had a vagina, so why did the producers have to go and do something like this? Where there no nice 30-something white men available? It’s actually racist not to cast a white man if you think about – which I haven’t, obviously.

“Just because Gallifrey doesn’t actually exist and time travel isn’t really possible, doesn’t mean the writers can just go around making stuff up about the way the people they’ve made up will look on screen.”

“Actually, that’s literally what we do,” explained one of the show’s writers who asked not to be named because, well, people on social media these days make correcting people on the Internet a dangerous thing to do.

“If you’re upset that a science fiction character isn’t quite how you pictured them in your imagination, maybe it’s time to let your imagination do a little bit more work?

“The Doctor has a long history of not letting the colour of his skin get in the way of resolving issues across time and space, and we’re confident that Ncuti Gatwa will have no issues in continuing that fine tradition.”

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