Thursday 5 May 2022 by Pete Redfern

Tory voters avoiding eye contact with everyone else in polling station queues


Polling station open

Conservative voters are awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone who has gone to the polling station to cast a vote in their local election, according to reports.

Polling station staff have noticed a degree of tension between some Tory voters and members of the public, especially NHS staff, food bank users, relatives of those who died in care homes during the pandemic, and those who weren’t able to attend funerals of loved ones due to lockdowns while Boris was on the lash in Downing Street.

The presiding officer of Little Arseworth polling station, Eleanor Gay, noted, “We have already had a number of Conservative voters stroll in here proudly and loudly announcing who they will be voting for, and repeating ‘they got Brexit done’ to themselves with a smile.

“But we’ve noticed that if there happens to be pretty much anyone else in here who isn’t wearing a blue rosette or clutching a copy of Tractor Porn Monthly they suddenly pipe down and look in another direction, or begin tunelessly whistling in an attempt to distance themselves emotionally from their presumably shameful situation.

“It’s almost as if they realise, if only for a moment, that by voting for Conservatives they will be continuing to hit the poorest hardest, and condoning the awful behaviour of numerous privileged twats.”

Tory voter and monumental bellend Simon Williams denied the claim, insisting “True, there was a nurse in there clutching a food parcel from the food bank next door when I went in, and yes I feel a bit bad for her that she hasn’t had a real-terms pay rise in years and can’t afford to feed her family due to the monumental energy price rises, but a world-leading government demands some sacrifices.

“And I wasn’t avoiding eye contact – I was merely gazing at that lovely tractor out in that field.”

“I voted Tory for a kinder, fairer society for all”, said no-one, ever – Get the T-shirt!

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