Thursday 5 May 2022 by Neil Tollfree

‘Then he stamped on a kitten and murdered someone’ – Daily Mail continues Starmer ‘Beergate’ investigation


Daily Mail Offices

Boris Johnson fan club newsletter The Daily Mail has continued with its ‘investigation’ into a picture of Keir Starmer drinking something with new revelations that the Labour leader stamped on a kitten’s head and committed murder.

“Murdering Kitten-stamping Bastard,” screamed the headline on this morning’s edition of the overpriced bog roll.

It went on to detail information revealed in a tweet yesterday by @boris4eva18477253468111.

“I reckon that there’s a dead body on the floor and Kier is getting drunk to celebrate murdering someone who doesn’t like socialism and my mate reckons he stamped on a kitten because he thought it was a Tory kitten #beergate #currygate #starmermurderer #lovecats”

Claiming that the ‘new evidence[sic]’ had blown the case wide open, it called on Durham police to immediately introduce martial law, suspend all elections and declare Boris Johnson President for life.

“If Durham police can’t introduce these simple measures, then I don’t see how we can claim to be living in a democracy anymore. The leader of the opposition has committed murder and stamped on a kitten’s head and the police, the media and the ruling elite are so in thrall to leftist wokism that no one will do anything.”

There were then several pages detailing how lovely, brilliant and handsome Boris Johnson is and a short article about a young girl with a bare midriff.

There are rumours that tomorrow’s edition of the Mail has more explosive revelations about Keir Starmer drinking something including evidence that Vladimir Putin, ‘Nasty’ Nick Cotton, and the cat-in-a-bin lady were all present and that Starmer did a really smelly beer fart.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the T-shirt here!

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