Wednesday 4 May 2022 by Chris Ballard

Elizabeth Line bosses promise passengers ‘state of the art’ excuses for delays


Elizabeth Lines

With the Elizabeth Line finally set to open later this month, just four years late, passengers will be delighted to learn that bosses have spent millions developing the next generation of feeble excuses for their inevitably delayed services.

Commuters on the new line can expect a breaking from ‘leaves on the line’ style reasons for why their train services have been delayed or cancelled.

Executives running the new line insist there will be no return to the same old unconvincing explanations for why your train isn’t running.

“When people start commuting using the Elizabeth Line they’re gonna be blown away by a raft of innovative new excuses,” said railway boss Simon Williams.

“Passengers will be rolling their eyes and turning up late to important meetings for reasons they would never have thought of!”

Mr Williams talked through some of the highlights:

Cracks in the multiverse

With the concept of the multiverse now gaining traction in modern fiction, bosses have wasted no time in extending their repertoire of excuses to include other universes.

“Passengers will be happier arriving an hour late, if they know it’s the fault of a parallel version of themselves pulling the emergency brake in an alternative timeline.”

Unavailability of passengers

A clever twist on the hackneyed ‘unavailability of train crew’ excuse.

“I love this one!” said Simon. “Classic yet fresh. We’ll just have to lock the station gates to make it work.”

Train has low self-esteem

Anthropomorphism will apparently play a part in the future of shoddy Elizabeth Line services.

“Our passengers will love having trains which seem a bit more human. Why shouldn’t engines have a crisis of confidence from time to time? And how can you be angry when they do? Mental health is important in this day and age, and that extends to the rolling stock on the Elizabeth Line.”

A butterfly flapped its wings in Beijing

Good old-fashioned chaos theory.

“The amazing thing about this one is that it’s literally nobody’s fault. It’s the ultimate excuse.”

Mr Williams revealed that millions had been spent on consultants to come up with these new excuses.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “The cost will be more than covered by massive increase in fares we are planning to announce immediately after launch.”

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