Piers Morgan sent shockwaves through the nation last night as his new TalkTV show opened in a blaze of controversy.
“No, I didn’t watch it,” said ordinary bloke and representative of most of the population, Simon Williams.
“And that’s because, if I’m being totally honest, Piers Morgan is a bit of a twat.”
In his first major interview for his new show, Morgan took on renowned wokester and over-sensitive snowflake Donald Trump.
In a shockingly unthinkable line of questioning, Morgan suggested to the former President that the last US election was not, in fact, “stolen”. But some viewers remained unmoved.
“Donald Trump? No, I didn’t see him either,” said Simon Williams. “Didn’t he used to be President? To be honest, I always thought he was a bit of a twat.”
Nevertheless, Piers Morgan has insisted that he will never stop defending free speech, telling viewers, “I’m saying the unsayable. That’s what I’m saying. And all those Guardian-reading muesli-munchers can go choke on their organic kumquats.”
Said Simon Williams, “I prefer cornflakes, actually.”
Finally, having failed to offend anyone, Piers Morgan announced plans for his next show, when he plans to flounce off live on air after an argument about organic cornflakes.