Wednesday 27 April 2022 by Lucas Wilde

“Of COURSE we’re horny; we’re hurting the poor” explain Tories


tory outside parliament

The Conservatives are randy as hell right now, and with apparent good reason.

In the last fortnight, the Conservatives have been variously ogling Angela Rayner’s legs, and also caught watching pornography in the House of Commons.

“Jesus Christ, I’ve been harder than German algebra all day,” sighed Conservative MP, Simon Williams.

“It’s this cost of living crisis… the knowledge that poor people are hurting and we’re doing nothing about it gives all of us a boner that could punch a hole through the side of a barn.

“I gather the women MPs get a bit randy as well, but I don’t really know what happens to a woman when she’s randy. I imagine she buys shoes?”

Boris Johnson, the alleged Prime Minister, commented, “We’re all going to have to take a bloody cold shower.

“When times are hard, so are the Conservatives.

“But we can’t just all sit around stroking one out in the commons. That’s what our offices are for.”

Parliament’s wretched hive of scum and villainy – get the T-shirt

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