Wednesday 27 April 2022 by Arabin Patson

Dylin The Dog to be privatised for being picky about where to take a shit


Dylin the dog to be privatised

Boris Johnson has warned his Jack Russel terrier that making walkers wait while choosing a suitable patch of lawn to crap on would result in the dog being taken over by a private company and then reformed with the natural efficiency of the free market.

Sources inside Number 10 confirm that the prime minister was growing increasingly frustrated at Dylin’s refusal to drop a log at the first patch of grass he was shown, and has hinted that discreet enquiries had been made at selling Dylin off to a private care provider.

However, previous attempts to fob off responsibilities to private outfits have often resulted in costs exploding way beyond the original bid and horrendous abuse of those needing the service. An idea strongly refuted by Capita spokesperson Simon Williams.

He went on, “We have a long track record of stepping in to take over government services whenever a department is being annoyingly finicky about applying the law or simply because ministers are sick of taking the blame for their mistakes.

“We are completely confident that we can take over the maintenance of that Dylin thing and make sure it is securely stored or whatever you do with those things.

“Of course, we will have to wean him off the cushy civil service culture of being fed regularly and being able to try and find some simple happiness.”

It is not the first time Dylin has angered the prime minister. Destructive behaviour, needless aggression and the unseemly humping of Downing Street furniture and staff were all problems that people hoped would be solved by buying him a dog.

The Boris Johnson collection, for all your Boris mocking needs!

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