Thursday 21 April 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Murderer acquitted after reminding judge that there’s a war on


murderer acquitted because theres a war on

A man has been acquitted of murder following an impassioned closing argument during which he reminded the judge that there is a war on.

The man, Simon Williams, had been seen shooting another man by fourteen witnesses, was holding the gun when police arrived, and explained that he had killed the other man during initial police interviews.

He initially pleaded guilty to the crime in court. But when it came to sentencing Mr Williams gave an impassioned speech about how there is a war on.

“I was powerful stuff,” explained one of the jurors.

“It really made me think. I mean, he had a point, what’s going on in Ukraine is terrible, tragic, and we’re sitting here talking about the fate of one man and his silly mistake. It seems a bit self-indulgent, you know?”

The crux of the man’s argument was that there were a jury, a judge, lawyers, witnesses, and everyone else involved in the trial, and wouldn’t their time be better spent attempting to help Ukraine?

“I must confess, I hadn’t thought of it like that before,” said Judge Eleanor Gay.

“Really, when you consider what is going on in Ukraine, what the bloody hell are we playing at? Having this big court case for weeks on end. How much better would our time be spent trying to end this bloody awful war.”

The judgement comes just days after an armed robber was found not guilty after arguing that the court’s time would be far better spent trying to solve the cost-of-living crisis.

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