Erik ten Hag appointed Manchester United’s new chief turd polisher

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Manchester United has appointed dutchman Erik ten Hag as the team’s chief turd polisher on a three-year contract.

The decision has not been unanimously welcomed by Manchester United fans who have convinced themselves that they are world-beaters despite them being a bit shit when it matters most.

Manchester united fan Simon Williams told us, “Manchester United should be winning the Premier League, the FA Cup, The Euros and X Factor, and I just don’t see how that can happen when someone like ten Hag is responsible for the polishing a midfield containing McFred.

“Our turds deserve to be the champions of all the things. All of them. And winning the league in the Netherlands with Ajax or PSV is like winning the league in Scotland with Celtic or Rangers. Even Steven bloody Gerrard could do it.”

Williams went on to explain that ten Hag doesn’t have much to follow.

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He told us, “Ralf Rangnick didn’t so much polish the Manchester United turd, as much as smear it across his chest and into the faces of the fans.

“So obviously I’m excited by the appointment of a man who can succeed in a two-horse race. I mean, it’s not like the premier league has more than one other team capable of winning the thing, is it?”

“On the bright side, polishing turds should come extremely easily to him given the reflective qualities of his bonce.”