Parliament to give over time for daily apology from Boris Johnson for previous day’s transgressions

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Parliament is to give over up to thirty minutes every day at the start of its session to allow Boris Johnson a short forum to apologise for whatever he will have done on the day before.

“Just having the occasional, ad-hoc session for Boris Johnson to apologise isn’t really enough,” said senior civil servant Simon Williams.

“We’ve got all the law-breaking, the lying, the corruption, the money issues, the Russian connections. The only way we’re going to be able to keep on top of everything is to allow a short period at the start of each day for the Prime Minister to stand up and apologise for whatever he’s done in the previous 24 hours.”

The format will see Johnson give his apologies for the previous day’s activities for 5-10 minutes, followed by a 10-minute period to allow for normal politicians to call for his resignation, 5 minutes for Tory backbenchers to come to the horrified realisation that a corrupt, criminal buffoon is probably the best that they’ve got, and then everyone gets to shuffle out for a cup of tea before getting on with the day’s business.

As part of the new plans, there is a provision to cancel the day’s session if it turns out that Boris Johnson hasn’t done anything the day before that he needs to apologise for. It is not expected to ever be used.

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