Wednesday 20 April 2022 by Davywavy

Conservatives tell Boris Johnson ‘this is your last chance’ for the 27th time


Boris Johnson on his last chance again

‘If you fuck up again there will be consequences and we really really mean it this time,’ senior Conservatives have told Boris Johnson today.

Johnson, who has fucked up before and will definitely do it again, has apparently been told this time is absolutely, positively, definitely his last chance and we’re not kidding this time no really.

Senior members of the Conservatives ‘expressed disappointment’ as the party lost fifteen points in the polls in a matter of weeks following Boris’ decision to break the law during lockdown – the fastest decline in any party’s fortunes since Gordon brown drove the economy into a tree in 2008.

As photos emerged of Johnson half-naked with a traffic cone on his head whilst the Queen mourned her dead husband alone, Tory strategists recognised it might be time to put their foot down yet again because that’s worked so well on every previous occasion.

“It really is the final straw, again – but this time we definitely mean it,” an unnamed cabinet minister told us.

“Breaking the law was the final straw, after all the other final straws such as prorogation, his mustique holiday, shaking hands with Covid patients, defending Cummings over Barnard Castle, the Christmas 2020 U-turn, refurbishing his Downing Street flat, trying to save Owen Patterson, trying to save Matt Hancock and so on.

“But no more chances, just like the last time we said there were no more chances. We’ve told Boris this is it, he’s broken the law, so this is his very last chance, and he agreed, just like he did last time.

”So I think we can all agree to draw a line under the matter and get on with running the country as the Prime Minister absolutely promised he won’t do it ag- what, already?!”

The entire collection of NewsThump’s Boris-mocking products is now here!

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