The government has outsourced state pension management and provision to a company in Senegal.
“As part of our continuing effort to reduce costs, and do far less work, we are proud to announce that the UK state pension will now be managed by UK Pensions Go, a new Senegalese financial management company,” explained Home Secretary Priti Patel, as she feasted on the heart of a virgin.
“From 1st August this year, you will no longer be able to claim your state pension from the local post office, but will instead need to travel to Senegal, to one of the offices of UK Pensions Go in Dakar or Touba and claim your state pension there, instead.
“We’d advise arriving early as there may be queues.”
Ms Patel sought to reassure pensioners that there will be little noticeable difference to the current process.
She went on, “Other than the 3000-mile round trip to collect your pension, everything else will be quite familiar. Except, of course, that your pension will now be paid in CFA francs, so you may want to get that changed into pounds at the first opportunity.
“Oh, and it will probably help if you learnt to speak French as that is the first language of Senegal.”
The announcement was immediately met with a barrage of protest from pensioners’ welfare groups, opposition parties and all normal human beings.
“We understand that there will be opposition to this plan,” continued Patel.
“We’d advise you to contact Happy Complaint Management, a company in Cote d’Ivoire, to whom we’ve outsourced management of all complaints about this Government.
“Be aware though that, even though they’ve only been open for three days, they’ve received over 12 million complaints, so there may be a considerable wait time.”