Friday 15 April 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Government brings in legislation to burn everyone’s nan’s house down


Boris speech

The Government is set to bring in new legislation to burn everyone’s nan’s house down.

“From the start of next month we will create teams of local people who will go round to everyone’s nan’s house and burn the fucker down,” said Stuart Andrew, Minister for Housing.

“There will also be a government appointed official who will be on site to point and laugh at nan as she stands, tearfully shivering in the night as all her home and possessions turn to ash.”

Boris Johnson explained the rationalisation for the legislation yesterday in a speech he gave whilst fucking a pig.

“It’ll be funny,” explained the PM.

“Seeing everyone’s nans all upset and crying. Who wouldn’t laugh at that? I know that, for me, there isn’t anything quite as hilarious as seeing a nice old lady visibly distressed and in peril.”

He also confirmed that the Government will be making no effort at all to rehouse anyone’s nan.

“No, fuck that, the proles can sort all that out.”

Tory voter Simon Williams was broadly supportive of the new measures.

“Well, I love my nan, but, you know, Boris got Brexit done and there’s a war on, so I guess we all have to make sacrifices.”

The new legislation comes ahead of rumoured new plans for the Government to just straight-up murder everyone and have done with it.

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