Priti Patel inconsolable after being told Rwanda doesn’t do that anymore

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The Home Secretary was left distraught and her signature policy left in tatters after Foreign Office experts explained that the action that made her so keen to send refugees to Rwanda was actually a tragic one-off event that the nation did not want to repeat.

Simon Williams, head of the Home Office’s Dog Whistle section, said the misunderstanding came about after someone gave Ms Patel a DVD of Hotel Rwanda and she mistook it for a conservative policy training video.

He went on, “The day after she was skipping with joy. She was saying that she had finally got a solution, or similar words.

“She was adamant that sending refugees to Rwanda would be a permanent way to avoid them coming back. So naturally we went ahead and set something up. I mean, yes, it seems absurd to ship people who just came over to Calais 4000 miles to a landlocked central African nation but we assumed she had her reasons.

“Once we had an agreement we thought it would be a good idea to get some FCO types over and brief the staff on key elements about the country. They explained that the events in 1994 were not a standard way of operating but actually seen as the country’s darkest hour. Priti just teared up, said the whole plan was off and ran out the room.”

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Mr Williams said that the news was a setback but that the Home Secretary would not give up on her dream of deporting thousands.

He added, “We have other options. Aside from Rwanda, Priti told us to look into Armenia, Bosnia, Cambodia, East Timor, Darfur, Guatemala and even Germany.

“No, I’ve got no idea what these places have in common.”

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