Boris Johnson shits on floor, buggers cat, commits murder

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On a fairly quiet day for the Prime Minister of Great Britain, Boris Johnson has done a big shit on the floor, buggered a local cat, and committed murder.

At around 9am, he was walking into the House of Commons when he suddenly stopped, squatted down and evacuated his bowels onto the floor of Portcullis House. He cleaned himself using one his handkerchief and called out to a cleaner to ‘sort all this out, will you.’

Just after lunch, he popped into the Number 10 garden to enjoy the sun and, spotting a local cat, he decided to have some fun. After removing his trousers and pants, he chased the unfortunate feline around the grounds before catching the animal and buggering it.

“Look everyone,” he shouted.

“Got this little blighter right up the arse.”

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Finally, walking across from Number 10 to the House of Commons, a man, named as Simon Williams from Chelmsford, approached the Prime Minister to shake his hand. Johnson took out what appeared to be a large kitchen knife and repeatedly stabbed the man in the chest, face, and groin. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

The Met Police are investigating, but are not expected to bring any charges.

Happily for the PM, he still enjoys the full support of his party and cabinet, with Health Secretary Sajid Javid tweeting ‘Yes, he’s made some mistakes, I certainly wouldn’t have buggered a cat – but he got the big calls right, he got Brexit done, and we can’t change PM during a war.’