Imran Ahmad Khan MP regains Tory whip after explaining he thought groping teenagers was within the rules

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Convicted sex offender and MP for Wakefield, Imran Ahmad Khan, has rejoined the government benches after offering an apology and explaining that it didn’t occur to him at the time that forcing himself on minors was breaking the law.

Simon Williams, Conservative Party spokesperson and writer of 5,000 word poems about dark souls lost in a void, explained that he understood that some people might feel angry over the decision but it was time to move on and let Mr Khan get on with the job.

“I know there is a big outcry from the opposition and social media types about this, but the fact is that the verdict of the court has been accepted and he has said he is sorry. Remember that there is a war on and now is not the time to play politics over trivial affairs of a powerful man sexual abusing an underage person.

“We assure you that we will let you know when an offence is serious enough to warrant some sort of action. That’s much better than some absurdly rigid standard where the people who make the laws should abide by them.“

Although controversial, the decision has prompted tory MPs to close ranks and defend their colleague on the airwaves. 

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Appearing on BBC News, backbench MP Michael Fatouscunt explained that Mr Khan’s actions were no worse than “the many teachers and nurses who, I’m certain, would go to the staff room after a long shift to force alcohol down a teenager’s throat before molesting them.

“Yes. I really have just said something that fucking insulting on TV.”