Tuesday 12 April 2022 by Arabin Patson

The Conservative Cookbook: 5 simple meals struggling plebs can make for under 50p


The Conservative Cookbook

Following a completely unfair Panorama episode about people in the 6th richest nation on Earth struggling to feed their families because of reasons completely unrelated to current government policy, CCHQ has kindly suggested some simple ways to help these malingerers cook up a cheap feast.

The following are the top five recipes in the new Conservative Cookbook, coming soon to all good bookshops”

Boris’ Big Bap

Add yeast, salt and 20 ml water to 500 grams plain flour. Prove for 3 hours and separate into 4 round balls. Bake at 180 for 40 minutes and let cool. Cut the rolls in half and fill with whatever is in those free Daylesford hampers that appear every day for some reason.

Michael’s Magical Minestrone

Peel and julienne all your old veg before putting into a large pot with pasta and keep on a rolling boil for 20 minutes. Before serving, snort enough gak to make your eyeballs vibrate and this humble dish will taste like milk suckled from the Virgin Mary’s rosy nipples.

Jacob’s Freegan Pheasant

On your next shoot, ask the gamekeeper for the birds that were too damaged to make the brace photos. Chop them up, dust with flour and brown in a Le Creuset pot before deglazing with some port (Garrafeira or LBV). Simmer on the Aga for 2 hours and you have a delicious stew for absolutely nothing!

Nadine’s Nachos

Pour some nachos on a baking tray. Then down three bottles of Prosecco and get absorbed in a drunken undignified twitter feud so you forget to eat them. Voila, a whole tray of leftovers for tomorrow! 

Priti’s Passport Pizza

Take your passport and check that you are foreign. Then fuck off and die, you subhuman vermin! For the good white folk of this land, simply scream abuse at your subordinates until they buy you a pizza.

The Cabinet of Arseholes – Starring Rishi and Boris, get it HERE!

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