Boris Johnson will impose a new lockdown just in time for his leaving drinks.
The plans follow the news that the Prime Minister has been fined for attending a party during the last lockdown, which of course means that Mr. Johnson will resign as any decent man would.
“Ugh, fine, it’s curtains,” grumbled Johnson.
“I’ll bang out one last lockdown though, so that we can all properly enjoy my leaving do.
“After all, it’s not a proper party without the knowledge that the general public are locked inside their own homes. That’s what made the last few parties such bangers.
“Nothing kicks off a Conservative drinks’ party quite like the suffering of the poor, and while that is pretty much a constant theme under my premiership, I really do think one last lockdown would be a fitting end to my government, as well as a nice backing track to the first lines of coke.
“I’ll throw a news conference tonight, for which I’ll be twenty minutes late for no reason.”
A Number Ten spokesperson said, “I think we’ve filled out the last stamp on our Majestic Wines loyalty card now, so we can get a few bottles in for free.
“The staff have already dug out the suitcases. It’s going to be an absolute banger.
“As for the rest of you: stay indoors. LOL.”