Friday 8 April 2022 by Dan Flanagan

Dinosaur fossil from day of meteor strike discovered on Tory backbenches


Parliament dinosaur found

The ancient, fossilised remains of a dinosaur which roamed the earth millions of years ago has been unearthed on the backbenches of the Conservative party in the House of Commons.

The fossil is almost completely intact and surprisingly well-preserved, considering its age. There is evidence it lived through the turbulent premierships of both Robert Peel and Theresa May. Geologists estimate the pterosaur was elected to the House of Commons on the day the famous meteor hit earth and wiped out the rest of the candidates. 

“It’s incredible!” exclaimed one of the scientists who headed the dig.

“This dinosaur’s views and attitude towards minorities have remained frozen in time for millennia. While society has moved on, our Conservative big beast has remained a relic from a distant past.

“We’d never seen such a perfect example of a prehistoric reptilian until we looked in the Palace of Westminster,” continued a Professor of Natural History at Oxford, smacking his forehead with his hand. “We should have known; it turns out it’s been sitting behind Boris Johnson this whole time.” 

Using advanced carbon dating technology and fossil analysis methods, the research group concluded that the find has represented the constituency of Kensington and South Huntingdonshire since before the Ice Age. 

“As you can see from this footage of Wednesday’s session of Prime Minister’s Questions, the specimen has the scales, leathery skin and outdated opinions on social issues that are a hallmark of Tory dinosaurs,” explained a palaeontologist, who was also keen to point out the dinosaur’s characteristic flushed red cheeks from centuries of quaffing sherry in the Members’ bar, and its distinctive, droning call of “heaaaaaarrrr, heeeeeeaaarrrr”.

At press time, the team had uncovered three hundred more fossils in the voting lobby at Parliament, registering their support for the latest ‘Brexit benefits’ bill and opposition to Covid measures.

Said Peter Bone MP, “Who are you calling desiccated?”

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