Tories vow to destroy Thatcher’s socialist legacy by selling off Channel 4

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Senior Conservatives have promised to dismantle the leftie legacy of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher after outlining plans to privatise her brainchild, Channel 4.

Channel 4’s publicly-owned, commercially-funded model has been described as a relic from the bad old days of the 1980s, when the hair-shirt wearing loony leftie fringe ruled the roost, led by the Iron Lady.

“We want unfettered capitalism ruled by market forces, with free trade at its core,” said Boris Johnson, announcing the policy.

“And that is why we must reject all that Mrs. Thatcher stood for, and cast off the shackles of her neoliberal socialist utopian ideology. Is this right?”

Dubbed the ‘Commie Channel’ by Jacob Rees-Mogg and other posh twats who don’t own a television (and wouldn’t dream of watching Channel 4 if they did), the broadcaster encompasses only one element of the first female Prime Minister’s progressive agenda which the government intends to undercut.

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Ministers are also pressing ahead with designs to reopen all the coal mines as a riposte to Thatcher’s extremist environmental policies. 

Meanwhile, a redistribution programme of free milk to schoolchildren was unveiled, striking a symbolic blow against the ex-PM’s failed attempt at Soviet-style food rationing.

“The hated Bolshevik thug, Maggie, er, Thatcher, has been allowed to keep her sinister grip on this once proud nation’s cultural landscape for too long,” said stark-raving Nadine Dorries, frothing heavily at the mouth.

“Thish ish definitely not a personal vendetta offf mine against those fucking pinko bashtards at Channel 4 Newsh,” continued Dorries, slurring her words lavishly as she took a swig from a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.

“It’s a perfectly shober decision that I arrived at immediately after I was repeatedly humiliated on primetime television over the Partygate scandal.

“Do you want shome of thish kangaroo anush, Krishnan? It’sh delicious!”