Have you just sold your tiny London terrace to buy a mansion in an up-and-coming seaside town? Are you finding the locals less than enthusiastic about the recent influx of former city dwellers?
Here are our top tips for winning over your new community and convincing them that not everyone from London is a massive wanker.
1. Remark on how wonderfully cheap the property is to your new next-door neighbours, who rent their crumbling damp-infested house for nearly 80% of their household income every month. (Bonus points if you wave to them from the Range Rover as they queue for the local food bank each morning.)
2. Sit in a local pub in your new 70% Leave-voting neighbourhood and talk loudly about how Brexit voters must be either thick or racist or both.
3. Enough room for two cars on your tiny oldy-worldy street where everyone struggles to park? Gain everyone’s full attention and admiration by putting your spare Mini Countryman right in the middle – and leaving it there for three weeks.
4. A dryrobe(R) in every colour is essential for your new seaside-inspired wardrobe. Pair with freshly blow-dried hair and a full face of make-up to wear everywhere you go.
6. Grab that megaphone and start an attention-grabbing campaign on everyone’s behalf. Who cares if the locals were quite looking forward to the library being turned into a KFC? You live there now, and you know what’s best for them.
7. Use up any spare cash left over from your house sale by buying up the beloved local greasy spoon and turning it into an artisan coffee/Scandi homeware shop. Be sure to charge at least £6 for a flat white and only open for an hour each day.
8. Still got a few hundred thou burning a hole in your pocket? Why not buy up some cheap and much needed local housing to start a new AirBnB empire, leaving those unsightly locals nowhere to live. Win-win!