Tuesday 5 April 2022 by Chris Ballard

‘Donations donations donations’ – Tories unveil top five new shows for when they sell Channel Four to their mates


Dominic Raab watching new Channel 4 shows

After it’s been privatised, Channel Four will obviously be full of Tory-approved shit, and the first shows to be commissioned have been revealed.

You might be wondering, ‘what will Channel Four look like when it’s controlled by friends of the Conservative Party?’ Well, the following programmes are already in the pipeline:

Donations, Donations, Donations

Billionaire Russian oligarchs give money to the Tory party in exchange for British passports and the chance to buy desirable London mansions.

Stath Exploits the Poor

A bit like Stath Lets Flats but without all the silly jokes. It’ll be a celebration of the entrepreneurial spirit which allows rich people to become richer via the completely fair and logical mechanics of supply and demand.

Crackdown

An afternoon game show in which Priti Patel cracks down on migrants. ‘One from the top and any other four’ says the Home Secretary to the Navy gunner who then has thirty seconds to take them out.

Father Ted

Graham Linehan’s iconic comedy will return but the plot of every single episode will involve mocking and undermining the trans community.

Naked Redaction

A series of reports into government wrongdoing are revealed one sentence at a time – except all the findings have been redacted.

The £100 Drop

Each Friday night one lucky recipient of Universal Credit gets their benefit reduced by £100. At the end of the series, anyone who hasn’t starved or frozen to death wins the privilege of being shot in the face by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The Four Streets

Why have cutting edge drama when you can turn the worst novel of all time into the worst television programme of all time? An adaptation of Nadine Dorries’ debut novel, The Four Streets is the inspirational tale of a woman born with nothing, but who achieves greatness simply by being willing to swallow absolutely anything.

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