Tuesday 5 April 2022

Appointing woman who ate Ostrich anus on live television as Minister for Culture proving to be a masterstroke


Nadine Dorries and Channel 4

Making Nadine Dorries Minister for Culture, after she demonstrated a thorough understanding of the nation’s rich cultural heritage by eating Ostrich anus on live television for the viewers’ entertainment, has proven once again to be a masterstroke.

Dorries, who surprised many with a return to the front line politics, is now threatening the very existence of Channel 4 in her own unique take on ‘culture’.

She told reporters, “I am delighted to finally be in a position to do something about all these lefty woke cry-babies who don’t like jokes that poke fun of minorities and who want to pull down statues just because they’re of people who made fortunes from slavery.

“We should be proud of those traditions, and as such, my first order of duty is to make a legal requirement that Jim Davidson gets an hour on television every Saturday night, and if Channel 4 won’t do it, then I’ll sell them to someone who will. 

“He can do what he likes in that hour, because I’m a ‘hands-off’ culture secretary who believes artists should have the freedom to express themselves without political interference.

“If my own experience of eating the anal sphincters of animals on prime time television has taught me anything, it’s that this country wants some proper culture on its television screens – and Channel 4 has not shown a single animal anus being consumed since I became culture secretary. How can that be right?

“Change is needed, and clearly Channel 4 is no longer at the forefront of the cultural zeitgeist, so it’s time we gave it to someone who can put it there.

“And if they want to commission a twelve-part series of ‘Nadine’s tastiest sphincters’, then I would be delighted to work with them on that.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get yours here!

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