Saturday 2 April 2022 by Arabin Patson

Use the smallest Bentley! Rishi Sunak’s top 5 tips to deal with the cost-of-living crisis


Rishi Sunak cost of living crisis

Before jetting off to one of his California homes, the Chancellor has reacted to criticisms, that he has done little to help Britons struggling with soaring prices, by publishing a list of five money-saving tips to see families through leaner times.

It reads:

  1. Make every penny count! Get your butler (or whoever does your purchasing) to look into loyalty cards and coupons. Only buy non-perishable goods, like Korean roasted purple bamboo salt or Black Bowmore 50-year-old single malt, when they are on sale.
  2. Declutter and sell! We all have extraneous things taking up space that we haven’t used in years. So go through your old clothes, exercise machines, cryo-chambers, albino peacocks and domestic servants and put them for sale online. You’ll reap a tidy profit and maybe awaken the wheeler-dealer in you.
  3. Fortune favours the bold! Whether it’s yachts belonging to Slavic gentlemen keen to make a sale or simply that ounce of cocaine you’re getting because Michael’s coming for dinner, it never hurts to ask for a discount.
  4. Hypermiling keeps savers smiling! When going on holiday, tell the pilot of your jet to enter the slipstream of those ghastly commercial airliners. Doing that could save you £500 just over one trip to the St Barts.
  5. Know your tax credits! The average family can drastically slash their tax bills simply by getting a lawyer in Panama City set up a financial services LLC in the Grand Caymans which then becomes the owner of a Jersey-based company that lists you as a non-executive director that gets paid consulting fees for work that can’t be disclosed because of commercial confidentiality clauses. It’s that easy!

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