Before jetting off to one of his California homes, the Chancellor has reacted to criticisms, that he has done little to help Britons struggling with soaring prices, by publishing a list of five money-saving tips to see families through leaner times.
- Make every penny count! Get your butler (or whoever does your purchasing) to look into loyalty cards and coupons. Only buy non-perishable goods, like Korean roasted purple bamboo salt or Black Bowmore 50-year-old single malt, when they are on sale.
- Declutter and sell! We all have extraneous things taking up space that we haven’t used in years. So go through your old clothes, exercise machines, cryo-chambers, albino peacocks and domestic servants and put them for sale online. You’ll reap a tidy profit and maybe awaken the wheeler-dealer in you.
- Fortune favours the bold! Whether it’s yachts belonging to Slavic gentlemen keen to make a sale or simply that ounce of cocaine you’re getting because Michael’s coming for dinner, it never hurts to ask for a discount.
- Hypermiling keeps savers smiling! When going on holiday, tell the pilot of your jet to enter the slipstream of those ghastly commercial airliners. Doing that could save you £500 just over one trip to the St Barts.
- Know your tax credits! The average family can drastically slash their tax bills simply by getting a lawyer in Panama City set up a financial services LLC in the Grand Caymans which then becomes the owner of a Jersey-based company that lists you as a non-executive director that gets paid consulting fees for work that can’t be disclosed because of commercial confidentiality clauses. It’s that easy!