Friday 1 April 2022 by Arabin Patson

Boris Johnson puts forward well thought out policy to improve the lives of ordinary citizens


Boris announces new policy

During a visit to the quaint Derbyshire hamlet of Pullmalegg, Boris Johnson announced the launch of a beneficial govt initiative that was not a hastily concocted headline grabber designed to distract from yet another fuck-up, explained Number 10 spokesperson Hilary Oss.

She went on, “ Today the prime minister has nominated top civil servant Mrs April Phulze to oversee a long term policy that, although a bit too complex to make into a slogan, will use the power of the state to demonstrably and measurably improve the lives of struggling Britons, irrespective of how they fit into electoral calculations.”

Reporting on the story, NewsThump journalist Simon Williams said that he was delighted to do something else today, rather than write wanky articles about Harry Styles becoming an astronaut or the EU making a new currency called the LOL, but admitted it was a bit surreal.

He went on, “We’ve had so many years of shambolic governance, from people who appear to have come straight out of a school panto, that satire became a cursed monkey’s paw.

“We’d write an obviously fake policy to caricature tory callousness and before you know it, sodding Michael Gove is bringing something similar to the House of Commons chamber. I genuinely held off on jokes about Priti Patel training sharks to kill migrants on dinghies because I don’t want blood on my hands.

“So, now we flip things around and work on the idea that sensible governance under this prime minister is a joke in itself. We’re so inured to chaotic announcements designed solely to cover up some scandal that the very idea of the government trying to ‘do good’ is thoroughly absurd. It’s as meta as you can get.

“But yes, it’s also really fucking depressing.”

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