Wednesday 30 March 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Tory Crime Syndicate planning bank job next


Tory Crime Syndicate

The Tory Crime Syndicate, led by Boris ‘Bullshit’ Johnson, is said to be planning a bank job next.

After a series of crimes relating to their positions in government – illegally proroguing parliament, PPE corruption, and breaking various lockdown laws – the Syndicate is planning a bigger, more audacious job, robbing a bank.

“It’s becoming increasingly clear that if you’re part of this Tory government, you’re free to break the law with impunity,” said a Tory party aide, as he ate a Twix he’d shoplifted from the Sainsbury Local.

“So, I guess we’re just going to take advantage of that and knock off a bank. Should be a decent tickle.”

The principal gang involved will be Johnson, Mikey-Boy Gove, and Dominic ‘Brains’ Raab. They will target the Westminster branch of HSBC, because they don’t want to have to walk far. At 9am, they’ll walk into the branch and ask staff to give them loads of cash, because they’re the Government and so it’s fine.

They plan on being back in their offices in the Houses of Parliament by 9.30 with a big bag of swag. Whilst they’ll have to give a small cut to their Russian bosses who ultimately run the party, they are still expected to get away with a considerable sum of money.

The Met Police are said to be aware of the plans, but as no black men will be involved in the potential crime, then it’s not really something they’re interested in.

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-selling mug here!

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