Wednesday 30 March 2022 by Mark Molloy

Russia kindly offers to scale back invasion of Kyiv, after completely and utterly failing to invade Kyiv


Russia pulling back from Kyiv

Russia has very kindly offered to scale back its invasion of Ukrainian capital Kyiv, after being completely unable to invade the Ukrainian capital Kyiv.

With Russian forces stuck on the outskirts of the city for weeks, and dying in their thousands due to fierce Ukrainian resistance, Russia has revealed that as a genuine gesture of goodwill it will now move its forces back from the capital and stop getting absolutely nowhere whilst its soldiers are repeatedly shot at and killed.

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed, “We just thought it was a nice thing to do.

“We have decided to pull back thousands of our forces from the outskirts of Kyiv and scale back our invasion of the capital, which we could easily fully invade and take over at any second if we wanted to, we just enjoy sitting around outside the city getting absolutely nowhere.

“We feel that it is the right thing to do whilst peace talks are ongoing, and has nothing to do whatsoever with losing thousands of our troops whilst making no ground at all as we are bogged down outside in the streets being shot at by a resistance far more fierce than we had expected.

“We just want the world to know that we are always prepared to compromise, even though we could totally take the capital tomorrow if we wanted to, we just don’t want to okay?

“In fact we might just head back to Russia for a while and give the Ukrainian army a break, because we are just kind like that, and definitely not failing or anything.”

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