Tuesday 29 March 2022

Concerns for younger female mourners at Prince Philip’s memorial sees Prince Andrew forced to sit in a cage


Prince Andrew has been forced to sit in a chicken wire cage for the duration of his fathers memorial service, after Palace officials were unable to guarantee the safety of all 1,800 guests.

A palace spokesperson told us, “1,800 is quite a lot of people, especially when they’re all in the same room, and we couldn’t – with any degree of certainty – say that number wouldn’t include at least a few teenage females. And if there is one thing Andrew is really good at, it’s picking them out. So we did what we had to do.

“Andrew wasn’t happy about it, as you can imagine, but he calmed down once we said we’d let him walk his mother to her seat before being locked in the cage.

“The rattling you can hear in some of the television coverage is Andrew trying to get out after spotting a 17-year-old near the back. We believe she was part of the delegation from the Prince of Edinburgh Award scheme, but you can’t be too careful where Andrew is concerned.

“We could have let him out for the ‘little chat’ he said he wanted, but before you know it the Queen would have been writing another twelve million quid cheque while Andrew denied ever meeting her.”

After the service finished, the cage was packed away by palace officials who insisted it will be kept in storage until such time that Prince Andrew is invited to another event where he could find himself within touching distance of teenage girls.

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