I don’t even know my wife’s name, insists Rishi Sunak

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The Chancellor is insisting that he doesn’t know his wife’s name, let alone what her business interests are.

Like all the other ministers in Boris Johnson’s cabinet, Rishi Sunak is out of his depth.

“It seems like he was appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer simply because he attended a Tory party conference cosplaying the role and Boris thought he looked the part,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“To be fair, that’s a more robust selection policy than that which ushered Nadine Dorries through the doors of DCMS.

“Rishi’s billionaire wife part-owns a multinational firm which continues to operate in Russia despite the invasion of Ukraine.

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“And now Sunak – a man richer than the Queen and who doesn’t realise that a £200 ‘smart’ coffee mug isn’t completely normal – is in charge of shielding those on low incomes from the cost of living crisis.

“Not even master of fabrication Boris Johnson could make this up. Although, I suppose he sort of did, and now we’re all living in his apocalyptic fantasy world. 

“It’s a bit like the Matrix but where the only ones aware of what’s really going on are rule-bending senior Tories.

“They need bungs. Lots of bungs.

“Many people thought Sunak had a good pandemic but the mask has now definitely slipped – he is now just another wealthy, out of touch, lying, heartless Tory. Normal service has been resumed.”

But what does ‘Dishy Rishi’, as no one outside his own PR department now calls him, have to say for himself?

“People keep asking me about my wife, but I don’t know anything about her!” he insisted.

“I wake up every morning next to this strange woman whose name I don’t even know and apparently we’re married.

“Yeah, it is a bit weird.

“She’s always on the phone talking in Russian and I simply haven’t got a clue what’s going on.

“And the house is full of all this bread and I don’t know which one to use for my toast and it’s just all so confusing.

“People say my wife’s, like, super rich, but I’m completely normal, me.

“Only yesterday I steered the wheel of my Ford Peugeot down to the petroleum port and stuck the… thing in… and the numbers all went round… yeah, it’s really expensive.

“And don’t even get me started on helicopter fuel.

“I’m completely normal.”