Downing Street has refuted arguments that Boris Johnson’s childish jibes have left the UK visibly isolated during the NATO summit, by claiming he didn’t want to go to any event because he’s recovering from a mad rave with people you don’t know because you’re not cool enough.
In a written statement to the press, Downing Street explained that, far from being painfully shunned by other leaders, the Prime Minister deliberately chose to stand on his own because “he didn’t want anyone to think he was mates with all those losers.”
It read: “The UK has been leading the world in all things that can’t be measured thanks to Boris Johnson. Naturally, other leaders are jealous and think it’s funny to talk to each other and quickly shuffle off whenever he comes over to them. But the joke is on them because what they don’t know is that when they had their lame meeting, Boris went to a secret meeting with older leaders who have their own cars and actually he was the DJ and he was so good many people thought he was a pro.
“Regrettably, diplomatic protocol means we cannot reveal the names of other attendees because it was so mental and everyone was smoking skunk and shagging in the open and you’d probably snitch if we told you.
“Furthermore, the Prime Minister wishes to remind people that he has allergies and sometimes that makes him look like he’s crying but of course he’s not because why should he and you’d better watch your mouth before spreading bullshit because he knows karate.”