Oil companies to respect 5p fuel duty cut by only increasing petrol prices by 10p

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Oil companies are pledged to respect the 5p cut to fuel duty by only increasing petrol costs by approximately 10p per litre, according to industry sources this afternoon.

With news emerging this afternoon that fuel duty is to fall by 5p per litre from 6pm this evening, oil companies across the UK have looked to immediately pass on the savings to motorists by only increasing petrol by 10p per litre from 6pm this evening. 

Simon Williams, head of pricing at Shell, and absolute bastard told us, “It’s the very least we can do.

“We have seen that the Chancellor has decided to cut fuel duty by 5p per litre today in order to try to help motorists and make it look as if he cares.

“And we intend to pass that saving on immediately to the public, by only increasing the cost of petrol by approximately 10p per litre, or maybe 11p or something who knows.

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“Obviously we are horrible greedy bastards who make billions of pounds a year, so increasing the cost of fuel is a real win-win situation for us, which is why we like to do it whenever there is an oil crisis, and then we forget to take the prices down again when the crisis passes.

“But this announcement by the Chancellor means that instead of increasing it by 12p per litre we only have to increase it by 10p because of the 5p cut by the government.

Asked if the cut would not actually mean an increase of 7p from his original calculations we were told “Oh yes! Oh well we’ve decided it now. 11p a litre it is.”