Tuesday 22 March 2022 by Mark Molloy

Royal family insists ‘We can’t afford slavery reparations because we’ve spent all our money on Prince Andrew’


Queen can't afford reperations

The Royal Family has insisted today that they cannot afford to offer slavery reparations for Jamaica, due to spending everything they have on keeping Prince Andrew out of prison. 

As the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge head to Jamaica today amid calls for an apology and reparation for the British Empire’s colonial ties which oversaw slavery in Jamaica over 300 years of British Rule, the Royal Family has responded insisting that they are unable to offer anything, because Prince Andrew has used up all their money. 

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace confirmed “Look, we’d love to help, but we’re skint”

“Whilst we accept that there may have been the odd issue of slavery and oppression spanning hundreds of years under our rule in Jamaica, we kind of needed to keep our Andy out of prison, so we’ve spent all our money on that”

“Obviously there was £12m in that one settlement with that lady he never met, along with legal fees, but there are literally millions of other girls the Prince has never met, so we need to keep our money as this could cost a fortune”

“We don’t mind saying sorry though, because that’s free and we can just blame it on our nasty ancestors, so you know – sorry about all that that”

“We just hope that the people of Jamaica and the Caribbean can understand exactly where our priorities lie and that essentially we don’t give two shits about any of them apart from when we need to do a lovely Royal tour with lots of videos of them dancing with brown people to show that they are not racist”

Asked if they feel that Queen should still be head of state in a country where she has so little understanding of the history and culture we were told “Erm, she once listened to ‘No Woman No Cry’ by Bob Marley and actually quite liked it, so yes”

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