Tuesday 22 March 2022 by Arabin Patson

Downing Street reveals Boris Johnson got the idea of visiting a war zone while hiding in a fridge from a reporter


Boris Johnson hiding from reporters

Downing Street has explained that Boris Johnson’s legendary tendency to hide away, when confronted with mild inconveniences such as people wanting to talk to him, is exactly what makes him want to spend a day with a leader whose daily itinerary includes dodging Russian hit squads.

Simon Williams, a Downing Street spokesperson who feels the need to shower eleven times a day, said that the prime minister’s sudden mutation from pathetic coward to Churchillian danger-scoffer was definitely genuine and absolutely not a transparent attempt to play to the party faithful during the Tory conference.

He explained, “At first glance, it can be surprising that a man who routinely runs away to avoid debates, scrutiny, his own children, interviews, hecklers, sick people and journalists with photos of sick people, wants to put himself in danger.

“However, the truth is that those times he hid in a fridge, Chequers, Chevening, a yacht in Mustique or any luxury villa owned by a tax haven shell corporation by people he’s given peerages to, he’s actually readying himself for his meet with destiny.

“Of course, media wags will cast doubts on our claim that his trip into the heart of darkness has been stymied by security officials who by the nature of their work will never comment on such matters. But I’ll have you know Boris is an Alpha type who relishes a fight, as his willingness to bulldoze a 10-year-old Japanese rugby player shows.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, Carrie has found wine stains on the sofa so I have to help search the grounds for our brave leader. Could you check the shed for us on your way out?”

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