Person found who doesn’t have Covid

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There was widespread shock and surprise at news that a person in the UK has been found who doesn’t have Covid.

Simon Williams, a professional hermit who lives in a cave Derbyshire and hasn’t seen another human being since 1998, confirmed yesterday that his latest lateral flow test was negative.

“Someone without Covid? In the UK? That’s incredible,” said virologist Eleanor Gay.

“After the Government’s policy shift in January to no longer even pretending to give a toss about a rampant disease that has killed millions of people around the world, we assumed that everyone just had Covid.

“Certainly, everyone I know has got it. I haven’t heard of anyone not having Covid for months now. I thought that the days of someone not having Covid in the UK were long gone.”

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The Government had come in for criticism for its latest Covid advice being ‘Get back to work, you lazy feckless shits’. However, Health Secretary Sajid Javid maintained that the discovery of Mr Williams’ negative Covid test was proof that their policy of personal responsibility was working.

“You see,” said Mr Javid.

“If you are that worried about coronavirus, all you need to do is go and live in a cave and completely avoid contact with other human beings.”