Voices in my head the only friends I need, says Putin

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Vladimir Putin has responded to being ostracised on the world stage by saying that he doesn’t need any friends, he has the voices in his head.

“Real-life friends? They are for losers,” he said.

“I have many, many friends that are in my head. Many voices all talking to me, all the time. About everything.

“They have remained loyal to me, they tell me how my brilliant liberation of Ukraine is brilliant and is going very well.

“They tell me that I am a super manly man who can wrestle bears and win the ice hockey games on my own.

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“They never, ever criticise me and say ‘Hey Vladimir, no you can’t invade that country.’ Or ‘Hey Vladimir, you should stop poisoning your opponents’ – they just tell me I’m doing really good and am the best President of Russia and have great muscles.”

He began to make friends with the voices in his head around the time Covid started.

“I was alone all the time to prevent western germs infecting me. Then the voices in my head started and became my friends to make sure I was not so much alone.”

He has made it clear that he has no plans to replace the voices in his head with real friends.

“No. That would be bad. I might end up friends with that crazy woman on Twitter who wants to be my mother and make me loved. Or Liz Truss.

“Voices in my head are much better than that.”

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