Friday 18 March 2022 by Neil Tollfree

In a show of unity during wartime, NewsThump will only call Boris a lazy, fat bastard three times a week


Boris and NewsThump

In times of crisis and war, it is important that we, as a country, pull together and present a united front. As such, we here at NewsThump will restrict ourselves to only calling the Prime Minister a lazy, fat bastard three times a week.

Obviously, it seems likely that Mr Johnson will continue to be a lazy fat bastard all day, every day, but if we can do our bit for Western Unity by not continually pointing it out then that seems the least that we can do.

President Putin subscribes, we believe, to NewsThump and is the sort of person who leaves those little messages in the comments section saying we’ve ‘gone too far’ whenever we make a joke about things he likes, like going fishing with your nipples out and massive state-wide repression.

It is our hope that he notices that we are only calling Boris a lazy fat bastard three times a week and thinks to himself – ‘blimey, the West must be really unified if NewsThump isn’t calling the Prime Minister a lazy fat bastard every minute of every day, because he clearly is a lazy fat bastard every minute of every day’ – and perhaps chooses to rethink his current war plans.

It is expected that NewsThump’s restraint will prove more constructive to ending the war than anything Boris is doing, the lazy fat bastard.

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