Women across the country have been advised to look like giant mansions owned by Putin-backing Russian oligarchs if they want to be kept safe, and quickly.
A year after a number of women spent their Saturday evening getting smashed face-first into concrete after committing the heinous crime of holding a peaceful vigil, women who don’t wish to have six police officers kneeling on their necks have been urged to consider taking on the appearance of KGB-owned mansions instead.
Home Secretary and dreadful human Priti Patel released a statement this morning saying, “Protecting the Russian owned properties in Mayfair is a priority for the police, above all else.
“We are now in the sunlit uplands of Brexit, and there is literally nothing else going on in society for me to have concerns about, or for the police to spend their valuable time protecting.
“These luxurious mansions, each costing Russia tens of millions of pounds, are mementoes of the Conservative Party’s strong links with Russia, and all the funding they have given us, and I will continue to instruct the police to protect them with all their might, which I’m sure is what the country wants me to focus on right at this minute.”
Mother of two Eleanor Gay, who received an elbow to the back of the head from a police officer at the vigil last year, told us, “I suppose it is too much to expect that the police might actually protect women who are out at night.
“So it’s clear that if we are to go out at night without fear of attack then we might as well do our best to look like a fifty-eight million quid mansion in Mayfair.”
She added, “I’m confident we’ll be looked after this way.
“Attacks on women are often blamed on how we dress, so I guess it’s fair enough that we will have to disguise ourselves as a house if we ever want to feel safe leaving one.”