Friday 11 March 2022 by Chris Ballard

If they drown they get a visa, if they live, they don’t: Priti Patel’s new test for Ukrainian refugees


priti patel

The Home Secretary has come up with a clever new system for deciding which Ukrainian refugees are allowed into the UK – try to drown them.

Priti Patel is in a difficult situation, bless her empty chest cavity.

On the one hand, she’d love to accommodate as many Ukrainian refugees as possible. Hell, she’d take them all if she could.

On the other hand, she just can’t summon up the energy to give a shit about them and their stupid, war-torn lives.

However, she has now developed a new system for identifying which refugees actually deserve to be let into the greatest nation on earth (the UK).

“You may have noticed that I’ve been wearing my glasses a lot recently,” said the Home Secretary, “This shows just how seriously I’m taking this matter.”

Without a trace of irony, she then went on to say, “My new system is actually based on historic methods used by witch-finders.

“Basically, any Ukrainian applying for a visa gets dropped in the middle of the English Channel.

“If they drown, they will be granted a visa – their corpse will be allowed to remain in British waters and to be consumed by British fish for up to three years.

“If they swim, they won’t get a visa – the scheming, money-grabbing, refusing to die vermin can jolly well fuck off back to France before I get the navy to mow them down.

“God, I love drowning refugees, er, I mean, helping people!”

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