Roman Abramovich won’t be the only one with frozen assets as new sanctions mean Chelsea players will need to play in their underwear.
With Chelsea’s Russian owner having all his assets frozen – including the team kit – the future is looking chilly for the Premier League outfit.
The government is issuing a special licence to allow fixtures to be fulfilled, as Culture, Media and Sport Secretary Nadine Dorries attempted to explain.
“We’re very keen for Chelsea to be allowed to keep footing the ball,” she said.
“However, the last thing people want is to see is a bunch of fit young men running around a football pitch with no clothes on, their penises swinging wildly against their inner thighs.
“Swish, slap… swish, slap… swish, slap…
“Sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yes, Chelsea will be allowed to play out the rest of the season in their pants, and vests if it’s cold. It’s only fair.”
In an effort to keep the club going, new sponsorship deals have been made with Marks and Spencer – who’ll provide the team underwear – and Daz – who’ll help keep it clean.
“Yes, one change that fans will need to get used to is that the team will now be nicknamed the Whites,” said Chelsea spokesman Simon Williams.
“And before some of more hardcore ‘supporters’ get too excited, that just refers to the new kit, not the players.
“Of course, we still needed to come up with a solution for the away kit.
“Fortunately, Ms Dorries intervened and gave the go-ahead for all away fixtures to be played stark bollock naked.
“The boys will have to be careful though – a swinging appendage can make all the difference when VAR is reviewing a tight offside decision.”