Cabinet ministers head to nuclear bunkers as Liz Truss prepares to make speech

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Senior politicians on both sides of the Atlantic are bracing themselves for nuclear attack because UK Foreign Secretary Liz Truss is to speak in public again today.

We’re all going to die because Liz Truss is due to give the Makins Lecture today at the Atlantic Council think tank in Washington.

She will warn the West that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine represents a pantomime shift in foreign policy.

“Every now and again, something happens in history that’s so terrible people go, ‘Ooh, that’s really bad, that is,” Ms Truss will say as she descends to the podium dressed as a fairy.

“The Great War – which hindsight tells us was actually pretty bloody awful.

“World War Two – arguably the worst ever method of generating film ideas.

“And, more recently, that one in America with the big buildings.

“Once again, it is time to rethink the pantomime in which we operate.

“When it comes to Russia, the world has been shouting ‘It’s behind you!’ and we haven’t been listening. That needs to change.

“Speaking sensitively and diplomatically, the only way to defeat that twat Putin is to take a leaf out of the Trojan’s book and infiltrate his regime in a pantomime horse.

“Obviously I cannot go into details for security reasons, but the front end of the horse will be James Bond and the back end will be a massive bomb.

“When Putin strips to the waste and attempts to ride it – and he won’t be able to resist – boom!

“We cannot allow the Berlin Wall to be rebuilt – not least because millions of people took fragments as souvenirs and I simply cannot see how the authorities will find them all or be able to stick them back together.”