‘We’ve triumphed!’ insist Russian troops occupying a burning nuclear power plant

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Putin’s masterful battlefield tacticians have at long last been able to celebrate a victory as they settled into the smouldering ruins of Zaporizhzhia nuclear power station and drank vodka while trying to ignore their nausea and bleeding gums.

Spetsnaz Colonel Zemyon Vilyamskov, appeared on Russian media to showcase his troops in full control of the building and having a bit of relaxing fun by playing with those weird lumps of metal that are always warm.

He went on, “Nazi Jews working with NATO have been spreading lies about our inability to defeat an army half our size. Let them try to twist this seizure of a strategic objective.”

Colonel Vilyamskov was magnanimous towards his Ukrainian opponents even if he lamented their lack of military brilliance.

“They defended it so we had to divert the heavy artillery that we were using against military targets like hospitals or residential neighbourhoods. But after we set a few buildings ablaze and cracked the concrete in those strange domed thingies, they just hightailed out of there! They didn’t even attempt to mount a counter-attack and are reduced to feeble psy-ops tricks like getting so-called nuclear physicists on the radio to beg us for the love of God to leave the place.

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“But we are the sword arm of the Rodina and we won’t fall for these childish ploys or whatever mind trick they are using that made all my pubes fall out in the past hour. I’ve done 100 airborne jumps and it’s not the sound of a screeching Geiger counter that will frighten me!

“Our victory will shine like a beacon in Russian history. Which, amusingly, is what my hands now do in the dark.”